How Do You Get Two Piccolos To Play In Tune?
Published May 09, 2008
Musicians are passionate about their instruments. They also are sometimes not as tolerant as they should be towards other instruments and instrumentalists. So close Sibelius, read a few of these and recall your days at conservatory. Plus ca change!?
How many Eastman students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Five; one to screw in the light bulb and four to stand around and say how much better they could have done it.
Five; one to screw in the light bulb and four to stand around and say how much better they could have done it.
How many Julliard students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Five; one to screw in the light bulb and four to push over the ladder.
Five; one to screw in the light bulb and four to push over the ladder.
How many Oberlin students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Five; one to screw in the light bulb and four to stand around and ask if the light bulb really wanted to be changed.
Five; one to screw in the light bulb and four to stand around and ask if the light bulb really wanted to be changed.
What do you get when you cross a trombone player with an orangutan?
A mentally challenged orangutan.
A mentally challenged orangutan.
What's the difference between a dead viola player in the road and a dead squirrel?
There are skid marks in front of the the squirrel.
There are skid marks in front of the the squirrel.
How many clarinet players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, but it will take him a huge box of light bulbs to find one that fits.
One, but it will take him a huge box of light bulbs to find one that fits.
What's the difference between a viola player and a vacuum cleaner?
The vacuum cleaner only sucks when you turn it on.
The vacuum cleaner only sucks when you turn it on.
What's the difference between a dead euphonium player and a dead squirrel in the road?
The squirrel was probably on his way to a gig.
The squirrel was probably on his way to a gig.
How do you get two piccolos to play in tune?
Shoot one of them!
Shoot one of them!
What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain?
Gifted.
Gifted.
What's the difference between an oboe and an onion?
No one cries when you chop up the oboe.
No one cries when you chop up the oboe.
What are burning oboes good for?
Lighting bassoons on fire.
Lighting bassoons on fire.
How can you tell if a violin is out of tune?
The bow is moving.
The bow is moving.
How do you make a violin sound like a viola?
Sit in the back and don't play.
Sit in the back and don't play.
Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
To get away from the sound.
To get away from the sound.
Once at a cellists' convention, one cellist announced to the rest that he could play 32nd notes, so someone yelled from the back, "'Oh yea? Prove it! Play one!"
How many producers does it take to change a light bulb?
Well, what do you think?
Well, what do you think?
How many sound men does it take to change a light bulb?
One, two, three, one, two, three.
One, two, three, one, two, three.
How do you get a guitar player to play softer?
Give him a sheet of music.
Give him a sheet of music.
Why are conductor's hearts so coveted for transplants?
They've had so little use.
They've had so little use.
What's the difference between a conductor and a sack of fertilizer?
The sack.
The sack.
How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
None. The piano player can do that with his left hand.
None. The piano player can do that with his left hand.
What's the difference between a soprano and a Porsche?
Most musicians have never seen a Porsche.
Most musicians have never seen a Porsche.
How do you know if a viola section is at your front door?
No one knows when to come in.
No one knows when to come in.
What's the difference between a violist and a dog?
The dog knows when to stop scratching.
The dog knows when to stop scratching.
A bass player was so bad that even the section noticed!
How do you get a violist to play downbow staccato?
Put a tenuto mark over a whole note and mark it solo.
Put a tenuto mark over a whole note and mark it solo.
Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
So you don't have to retrain the cellists.
So you don't have to retrain the cellists.
Why are pianists' fingers like lightning?
They rarely strike the same spot twice.
They rarely strike the same spot twice.
If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions, an in tune tenor sax player, an out of tune tenor sax player, or Santa Claus?
The out of tune tenor sax player. The other two indicate you have been hallucinating.
The out of tune tenor sax player. The other two indicate you have been hallucinating.
How do you improve the aerodynamic of a clarinetist's car?
Remove the pizza delivery sign.
Remove the pizza delivery sign.
What's the difference between a lawnmower and a soprano sax?
You can tune the lawnmower, and the owner's neighbors are upset if you borrow the lawnmower and don't return it.
You can tune the lawnmower, and the owner's neighbors are upset if you borrow the lawnmower and don't return it.
What do trumpet players use for birth control?
Their personalities.
Their personalities.
Why did the clarinet player cross the road?
Because he was told it would give him a darker sound.
Because he was told it would give him a darker sound.
How many sopranos does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One; she just stands there and lets the world revolve around her.
One; she just stands there and lets the world revolve around her.
How do you get a viola section to play softly?
Mark the part "tutti".
Mark the part "tutti".
How do you get a violist to play a tremolo?
Write a whole note and mark it "solo."
Write a whole note and mark it "solo."
What is a gentleman?
Someone who can play saxophone. . .and doesn't.
Someone who can play saxophone. . .and doesn't.
How do you know if a soprano is at your door?
You have to tell her when to come in.
You have to tell her when to come in.
How many bass trombonists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, but he will do it too loudly.
One, but he will do it too loudly.
How is a bad conductor different from a pair of Dr. Scholl's?
One bucks up the feet.
One bucks up the feet.
What is the difference between a cello and a coffin?
The coffin has the corpse on the inside.
The coffin has the corpse on the inside.
What do they do with violists when they die?
Move them back a stand.
Move them back a stand.
What is the difference between a bull and an orchestra?
One has the horns in the front and the ass in the rear, and the other has the ass in the front and the horns in the rear.
What do you call someone who hangs out with musicians?
A percussionist.
A percussionist.
Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.
"Musicology is to musicians as ornithology is to birds."
Why do violinists switch to viola?
So they can park in the handicapped parking zone.
So they can park in the handicapped parking zone.
How do you turn a trombone into a French horn?
Stick your hand in the bell and drop a couple notes.
Stick your hand in the bell and drop a couple notes.
If you have a lawyer, a politician, and a clarinet player in one room and have only two bullets, what do you do?
Shoot the clarinet player twice.
Shoot the clarinet player twice.
How many violinist does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Five; one to screw in the light bulb and four to stand around and say how much faster they could have done it.
Five; one to screw in the light bulb and four to stand around and say how much faster they could have done it.
What did the tuba player get on his I.Q. test?
Drool.
Drool.
How do you get a cellist to play loudly?
Mark the part pp, dim, and espressivo.
Mark the part pp, dim, and espressivo.
What is the difference between a cello and a violin?
The cello burns longer.
The cello burns longer.
If you drop a conductor and a watermelon off a tall building, which hits the ground first?
Who cares?
Who cares?
What is the difference between a viola and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes with the trampoline.
You take off your shoes with the trampoline.
How many second violinists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None; second violinists can't reach that high.
None; second violinists can't reach that high.
How many saxophone players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Five; one to screw in the light bulb and four to stand around and wonder how David Sanborn would do it.
Five; one to screw in the light bulb and four to stand around and wonder how David Sanborn would do it.
Why do violin players put their instruments in viola cases?
So they won't be stolen.
So they won't be stolen.
How many percussionist does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two; one to screw in the light bulb after the other realizes that hitting it with a stick won't work.
Two; one to screw in the light bulb after the other realizes that hitting it with a stick won't work.
What did the trombone player say to the lawyer when they met in McDonalds?
Would you like fries with that, sir?
Would you like fries with that, sir?
How is being a soprano like staying in a cheap hotel?
You can come in whenever you want and don't have to worry about the key.
You can come in whenever you want and don't have to worry about the key.
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